Funny how it always goes huh?
It starts out great right, you meet this wonderful exciting person who has all the qualities you want in a person… your sense of adventure is piqued… you’re curious about them you want to know everything you can about them. You go out on dates or stay home and every minute spent with them is magical! A deep abyss of emotions begin to well up inside you… you are excited at the idea of new prospects. All of a sudden everything seems easier, better, your days are sunnier, and that person has somehow managed to make everything bearable… Now you have something to look forward to. You involve yourself completely immersing yourself in new activities that have the word US in them and not the boring Me.
Then begins phase two, now you’re making plans together. The cracks have already started to show but you’re still in denial, still busy making excuses for him. Your still wary haven’t given yourself to your other half completely, but you are halfway there… now you’re looking out for signs, playing the he loves me, he loves me not game wondering where it’s going. What the ultimate goal is. The problem with this stage is you’re already halfway there so you’re already caught. Already stuck. You just don’t know it yet.
Phase three. You are still in the honeymoon period but now you are beginning to want more. Beginning to ask the BIG questions. What about marriage? What about kids? What about investing? What about our life together?
This is where most relationships crack.
The pressure, from the questions combined with the issues stemming from the excuses you were busy making for him which you now don’t and the everyday pressures of just being in a relationship, builds… Now it’s do or die. Its either he commits or… Or what though? This is the problem with most relationships. The ultimatums. The contradictions. The pressure.
We need to take time for ourselves before we get into relationships, time to get to know ourselves, what we like… what we don’t like… To get in tune with ourselves. Not to take time is to do a great disservice to both ourselves and those we get involved with. It’s important to be able to prioritise and put yourself first because that way you are selfish enough to take time for yourself and give him time to himself too. Forever is a long time and relationships are a lot like flowers; if you overwater them they die.
Most relationships end because one partner feels suffocated, and doesn’t know how to communicate that probably because you are so overbearing and they don’t want to get into IT with you, you need to remember to put yourself aside and try and put yourself into your partners shoes. Do you understand their stance? Does it have merit? And you need to learn how to apologise for your wrongs. It’s also very important to remember that the ultimate goal is to be happy together and that takes compromise. Sometimes you have to let go of the small things, don’t hold on to the little fights it’s not worth it! Squabbling over EVERY LITTLE THING is tiresome and not healthy… You need to stay happy and healthy and when in a relationship, emotional health plays a huge role in this.
Above all, you need to be patient and you need to remember what your stance was going in. If you had always wanted to eventually get married and had discussed this with your partner then that’s fine keep pursuing your goal but if you hadn’t and now you’re friends think that it’s a good idea for you to get married and so you are pressuring your partner, then you need to take a step back and reevaluate your stance. Don’t just jump him and start asking why he doesn’t want to marry you, that’s not fair to him!
Take your time to love yourself, indulge yourself, and enjoy yourself. It makes you a better partner and a stronger person. Be good to the person you’re with, take it easy and don’t let your baggage get in the way remember everyone is different and your previous partners faults should not be transferred onto the one your with after all the least you would expect is to be treated like you’re the only one that ever mattered so why shouldn’t you do the same? Remember the least you could do in this life is leave good memories in your wake so don’t go getting all mad when you break up and slashing his tires! What you fail to realize is that will haunt you not him. Be amicable it will probably end up hurting him more… or not… but your conscience will be clear and that is more important in the long run.
Have fun! Try to make every day more interesting than the last. You know how they say a brick could fall on your head and you could die? Well a brick could also fall on your relationship… So make every day count won’t you?
Anisa Njeri Ndisi