Wow has it been crazy in New York or what? They say that you either make it or break it in New York but I read something that some old guy wrote that said that you should only stay in Ny long enough to enjoy it…if you stay longer it will break you… Hmmm I’m looking for absolution because im about to move so that’s probably why that makes sense. But its definitely been crazy. There is nothing wrong with Ny by the way its just what’s wrong with me being in Ny right now. Maybe later I will move back but right now im not correctly placed. New York requires planning and I didn’t. This place is lonely…lonely is good when you plan it but when you don’t it draws you in and mkes you feel horrible. I totally understand those guys who jump off bridges because this place is heartless… it’s a souless city. It reminds me of Vegas only Vegas is minute compared.
I am making changes, I think my biggest realization is that I am rash…I do make rash decisions I make mistakes. I really do. An I need to change that, I met a lot of people did a lot of things as usual but when you realise how alone you are. I miss my space. I miss being able to watch TV. I am growing old I cant hang like I used to and more and more I realise that I like a lot of things more than hanyeing. You realise tht in the hanye though and that’s the weird thing about it. You playing pool and you start thinking about a book then you know youre fucked…or you get drunk and you begin to wonder why youre not the chile who stayed home because she had an exam the next day. I want these things if I cant make them happen then the least I could do is mke enough to go home and try failure is not an option. It just isn’t.
I miss my friends…I do… I miss them desperately. And I want them around me. This whole being alone in a state thing isn’t working for me. New york taught me a lot…it reminded me to strive…it reminded me why I was here and I did not realize that till just now but ok. I don’t wanna feel bad for things I didn’t do. I’m tired of that. I don’t want to feel guilty. I want to hold myself accountable. Im going to make it work. For myself…fuck everybody else. Really. Im not bending over back wards for anything.