love or the lack thereof

So recently I have had this totally unfounded love for Leona Lewis… I know im not thirteen anymore and I shouldn’t be mushy anymore but something about her lyrics… I keep thinking about relationships and how they pan out and she just about grabs the words out of my mouth…. I will take you through it but unless you’re really bored or an avid Leona Lewis fan you probably wont get it or even finish reading this blog because I need you to actually listen to the words to the songs…. I need u to listen to the lyrics trust me it will make sense…

‘Angel‘ because the guy is amazing and you just cant believe it… its beyond your wildest dreams you cant believe you finally found your soul mate….you’re hesitant and yet you have no doubt… its fantastic beyond your wildest dreams you are just lucky lucky lucky lucky!!!! You hold your pillow at night…you think about him all the time…he s your dream come true…your prince…

‘ whatever it takes’ this is what happens after you tell your friends about him… they abuse you’re image of him and you feel obliged to defend him… so you begin using their words to tell them and to express how strongly you love him… you start noticing his OTHER qualities and then you begin at the same time to notice his insecurities basically the cracks begin to show.

‘Homeless’ this either happens when you’re actually homeless or really lonely because you apparent better half is too busy having fun or otherwise unavailable…. it’s a crazy sad feeling.. You want so much you need so much and yet you don’t want to impose because you think you so called better half should not have to deal with half of what you’re going through… you love them enough to shelter them from you’re pain because after all you know how to deal with your pain why should they.

‘better in time’ that’s when you realize you been alone through everything… and thinking about it you realize you ca do it on you’re own… because you did it by yourself that whole time holding on to some long forgotten dream… you realize that all this time you were thinking of what you would have done…not what you’re lover would have done and that right there begins to look like you’re biggest mistake because you care more you love more and that’s why you end up blogging about it.

‘Yesterday’ this is the feeling you get when you haven’t seen someone for so long and you’re still trying to preserve their memory through all the criticism and all the trash talking that you’re friends give you… you still hold on to the memories of what once was and you appreciate it and hold on to it desperately… the w=very last straw is after all the sweetest…. Tomorrow is not a given but yesterday was great… really great. I did not imagine that.

‘ Take a bow’ Wow…. Take a bow is for every man…every man needs to take a bow…perhaps you guys should actually practice being real for a change it works… mamas will never forget you. They will remember you as that one real guy. I have only met one real guy and the memories are great. It doesn’t necessarily mean that that one real guy will be they guy but at least they wont settle for less and that changes the cycle.

‘I will be’ I want to change…for the right guy…I would…at least the changes that men want. The rest I will do all by myself… quitting a habit to me is not hard… changing my mindset is hard…changing the way I do things the way I look at life… That’s really hard, but I can do that on my own and I have found I prefer my independence it took a long and hard lesson to show me that

‘Here I am’ this is for all of my so called friends… because time and time again I have learnt that friendship is that elusive thing my friends allude to and yet when I really need a friend they aren’t there… is it too much for me to ask to have this in the person I love because I would give it back ten fold. I would do anything, and I don’t know on of my friends who cant attest to this, for someone I care about? Perhaps….I know life has a lot more lessons for me…I know there is still a lot ahead, but why why oh why, cant I have a friend…one that im sure want bail out on me and judge me after…

‘the best you never had’ I think his should have hit…instead of bleeding love….OHHH I cant even describe where I wanna put this…. I wanna put this everywhere… because it seems that everyone always wants to come back… you didn’t notice all those ‘great’ qualities I had while you were with me but when you leave all of a sudden u realize you missed out and you wanna come back? Better forget it baby… these doors are closed shut you aint comin back… no vacancy and even if there was it wouldn’t be for you… I don’t wanna make you feel bad but you shoulda realize that it was that good waayyy back… After years of cooking and breaking my back for you and youre family you really think im going to come back?

Where are you God?/ what happened to you? Did you forget about me… because im sure you would be more than enough… You wouldn’t give me pain or grief you would take me in when I needed a friend and you would be there for me no mater what. I love you but what happened to your love for me?
Now I don’t know my dad so sometimes I wonder what he would have said…. Would he say… don date that guy he’s bad….or would he say be patient…right from wrong gets so grey sometimes. Know he doesn’t love me but can love grow? Sould I wait…I guess not my answer is in my ramblings’

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One thought on “love or the lack thereof

  1. Just a few words…when you become comfortable with uncertainty, just like you have in more ways than one, infinite possibilities open up in your life. Yes, you may have to let go some of your so called friends as you continue becoming (that’s right becoming a process not a destination) more SELF AWARE. Always remember YOU and YOUR LIFE are one, not two. Bobby McFerrin was right on with ‘Don’t worry…Be happy’…Since whatever you fight you strengthen and whatever you resist, persists. Meek Meek this shall come to pass!!!

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