Words; window to the soul?

I think words are a very dangerous tool… they are malleable, you could shape them into anything you want them to be. u could use them for the better good or for the alternative. I was telling my friend the other day that information sharing without complete knowledge is like committing a crime… to me its true… politicking and gossiping without complete information has caused some of the greatest wars in history.. and broken some of the best friendships. The worst mistakes can and have been made because of something misheard or something misread. I try to be impartial but i know that i too am very opinionated and that too is a way of spreading rumors, misinformation… But i try and i try hard not to get involved in things that are beyond my realm.

I decided to listen to people more and i realise the more you listen the more you catch those tiny nuances… things that tell you how people feel about you… I think not listening would probably have been a better idea because i got terribly hurt. I started reading this book by Dave Eggers’What is the what’ and i have to admit its probably one of the better books i have read in the last few years, the first few paragraphs are captivating at least but its the way the guy describes things that drew my attention,in regards to my friends at some point he says’ i lost someone very close to me and afterward i believed i could have saved him had i been a better friend to him. But everyone disappears, no matter who loves them.’ That just brought it home for me… I had a really emotional moment right there. Its true he coined a phrase perfectly. Everyone does disappear….after all the years you spend letting people into your life to judge you and hurt you after a while they fizzle away and you wonder was it worth it? There is nothing i hate more then losing a friend. Ok i lie, there is nothing i hate more then finding out one of my friends isn’t really genuine then after that i hate losing a friend. To me its almost like someone died the pain remains and the hollowness is vast i still naively believe in friendship i will drop everything in the blink of an eye to help an the problem with that is im always doing it but in return i get nothing. People tend to be very petty.

Anyway i digress on page 13 of this book [did i mention i just started reading it] he writes ‘I am tired of this country. I am thankful for it, yes, I have cherished many aspects of it for the three years i have been here, but i am tired of the promises. I came here, four thousand of us came here, contemplating and expecting quiet. Peace and college and safety. We expected a land without war and, i suppose, a land without misery. We were giddy and impatient. We wanted it all immediately-homes,families, college, the ability to send money home, advanced degrees, and finally some influence. But for most of us, the slowness of our transition-after five years i still don’t have the necessary credits to apply for a four year college-has wrought chaos. We waited ten years in Kakuma and i suppose we did not want to start all over here. We wanted the next step, and quickly. But this has not happened not in most cases, and in the interim, we have found ways to spend the time. I have held too many menial jobs, and currently work at the front desk of a health club, on the earliest possible shift, checking in members and explaining the club’s benefits to prospective members. This is not glamorous, but it represents a level of stability unknown to some. Too many have fallen, too many feel they have failed. The pressure upon us, the promises we cannot keep with ourselves-these things make monsters of too many of us.’ This is by far one of the most well written books i have seen in the last few years…

America has taught me alot. People are not what they seem and they are definitely not who you think they are. Everybody has a reason to be here and some are more fortunate than others but it would be nice if we remembered why we were here. There are alot of people who came to this country with nothing and from nothing and its a tremendous struggle to just stay alive but nobody seems to notice. Have we forgotten where we came from have we gotten comfortable with what is not ours. Remember it is after all the ‘American’ dream…emphasis on American. Do we want to let go of who we are and our dream for this? If i remember correctly when we had nothing we still had morals and God and each other so what has changed? if nothing else at least we should remember our brothers whose plight is worse than ours and help them, perhaps that might help us absolve ourselves of the sin we commit by living lavishly and spending extravagantly once we begin to forget… Its so sad!! its sad.

Kenya… still forever hopeful

I had been trying, for a long time, to influence my friends into coming to Kenya.. and my argument is always ‘you will love it..! the people are peaceful the place is beautiful what more could you ask for?” but now I’m choking on those words…I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and i was raving on about how i would have never thought that we would still be fighting and he said ‘ it wont last long don’t worry…we like money and pints too much to fight for long’ I was laughing at this of course but something in his words ring true to me. I always thought Kenyans hated confrontation, was always speaking about how many tribes we had and about how we managed to somehow all live together peacefully… i thought we were a great example to other countries in Africa because we somehow managed to live and work together for the greater good and accept each other,I saw a great future for Kenya and i thought we were on the precipice of change; we were just about to become one of the most advanced countries in Africa.. but alas…

I’m sitting watching Kenya and i keep wondering what went wrong? did i just turn a blind eye to the hate? did i convince myself that Kenyans were incapable of violence of hate? because this makes me question everything i believe about my country… how could i be so wrong? I used to think that only 500 people in Kenya really knew what was going on the rest think they do but they are privy to information that isn’t as accurate or as complete.. Now i really just don’t know what to think.I was homesick… dying to come back to my country… my home… Now I’m not sure, i keep wondering how i can live with this hate, i keep wondering if i just never really knew the people that i spent my whole life loving. This subject is even hard to write on because describing the emotions i experience thinking about this is impossible…I’m shaken to my core and I’m so confused. I dont think i will ever understand. i have cherished my innocent childish dreams about my country and now my naivete has been shattered… which is very sad because there isn’t a place i long for more…or a place i miss…Kenya represents everything to me…my dreams were born in Kenya, my thoughts shaped, my love fulfilled… was that all a sham? is there a place to come back to? are the people the same people i knew or are they hate filled animals craving revenge? i not sure i could live with people like that… im not sure i could have for all these years… i dont think Kenyans are like this at all…. I guess this is a life lesson only time will tell…

I pray for peace…but i wonder will it ever end? i hope my country is still holding her proud face up but i wonder if we can be proud of this…?

Disillusionment

Im looking around and all i see is a world destroying itself from within…Kenyans are killing each other because some politician decided to use tribalism to divide and rule… Iraq…where thousands of people have died because another clever politician thought it would help the economy of his country if he instigated a war. the Congo, where several generations have died because of a stone which some tycoon will put on his wife’s finger. the gulf where religious wars have plagued their nations and policians seem to think thats its ok to let the divide exist because it aids their cause. and then their is a problem thats similar although different in nature like india where the darker people are untouchables so society looks down upon them[thats an understatement] society goes on with life as if they dont exist…Chad where the rebels rule!!Somalia where in-clan fighting has caused years and years of dissention, destroyed the country and left it an empty hull void of anything but long gone memories of what once was and what could have been[ kenyans should learn from this by the way]

Global warming is now a reality and not a rumour from some scientists mouth, technology has overtaken us and is probably much more advanced than it is now, religion is not what it once was its now a corrupted and convoluted concoction thats used more for financial gain than for the believers… This list is endless my point is am i wrong to be disillusioned?

If there is anyone who knows of anyway i can help anywhere…I would appreciate a comment…